Chaos was pretty normal growing up in my house. By the time I was five years old, my parents had divorced and I was left with two families that did not like each other and had a very hard time getting along. My mother constantly told me that my dad wasn’t capable of loving the family or me that he left behind. That in his new found success in business he decided that we were not good enough for him and he chose a new family that was better than us.
My mom raised my brother, and I full time, and I rarely saw my father at all. Our house was filled with anger for what we thought my dad had done. I grew up in constant negativity that became very damaging and destructive as I would learn to point all of my troubles and pain straight at my dad. I was led to believe my dad was a deadbeat that didn’t pay child support as he selfishly left us to fend for ourselves. That meant he stopped loving me and was ok knowing that we grew up so poor that were in constant fear we would go without food and shelter.
My mother, on the other hand, was never emotionally there for me. There was a lot of pretending, but those facades were just the illusion she presented to me and others. I believe it was my mom’s personal wounds in her life that sadly were so painful that she chose to live in denial. She suffered from a devastating personality disorder that hurt her and hurt others, especially her children. It brought out the broken and ugly side of my mom. There was abuse, manipulation, deceit, and lies that ultimately led me to feel so badly about myself that I started to self-destruct.
The emptiness destroyed me, and I began to look for what I desired the most and never received growing up. I didn’t know anything about healthy love, but I was determined to find it. “Looking for love in all the wrong places” must have been written about me because that was all I did. I turned to men, sex, drugs, alcohol, and money to fill what was broken inside me. I hoped it would fill the ever consuming void that crippled me.
Sadly the need to be loved along with misguided choices led me into a strip club at nineteen. My life began to spiral out of control once I entered this very dark world. I was raped and sexually assaulted multiple times. I chose abusive boyfriends and spent all the money I made on drugs or gave it all away because I didn’t feel I didn’t deserve it. I stayed in the industry for three years feeling hopeless and wanting to die until God came in and changed my life.
Thankfully today I know I have a God that loves me so much that he came down and rescued me from myself, even when I didn’t know how to ask. He changed my life and taught me how to love myself because He first loved me. He has surrounded me with some of the most amazing friends today that show me the healthy love I desired so much growing up, and those are the people I get to call my family today.
In my walk with God, he has opened my eyes to the truth in my parents that I was too young to understand. The greatest blessing he gave me through all that heartache and pain was learning the stories I was told about my dad growing up were never accurate, and now my dad is back in my life. He has and continues to restore our relationship which I could have never believed was possible.
I was a girl that was broken, lost, neglected and abused. At one point in my darkest bottom, I thought the only way to feel better was to end my life. Instead, God had a different idea. He has taken this wounded girl, who believed she was never capable of being loved and has restored me. He continues to fill me with His unconditional love and an endless amount of hope. As he heals all of the pain and despair I have experienced, He teaches me that all the pain in my life will never be wasted and He will use it for good to help others. He has given a voice to this girl who never had one growing up. If he can do all this for me than I know he can do it for you.
My heart hurts for where you are because I have been there too. I just pray you will look up and ask God for His help. It is in those desperate and silent prayers that I promise He hears you, even when you think He doesn’t. He is just waiting for you to surrender control and let Him help you. Just know you are His daughter! A daughter of a King! You are magnificent, you are sacred, you are perfect, and you are loved.
Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 2 Corinthians 5:17